….Nervous and excited I get up from the balcony to fetch my phone. A few pour drops have already touched my face as it started raining by then. I blushed, with the thought in my mind that it has to be you. What else will my heart wish for if not you?
I grab the phone from the bookshelf, unlock it. Scroll the notification bar to ensure it’s none but you. You did not disappoint me. I open the chat.
“How was your day, Janashi?”
I have no idea how long it had been since anybody cared to ask this, anyone bothered to know how my days are going. I could feel my heart pondering. I don’t know how to answer this simple question. I have so much in my mind running through, I have too many questions to be sure of the thoughtfulness of my day. My day would probably be the best if all my thoughts regarding us could be answered.
I chose to remain reserved as usual.
“It’s good so far. How about you, Reyansh?”
“It would only be better once I see you. Can we get into a video call?”
I could feel my lips trembling, my eyes looking for a mirror to catch my own glimpse to ensure I don’t look like a mess to him. This would be the first time after two long years he would be seeing me. Last and the only time he saw me was when we did not know each other. But this time it feels intricate, now that we have spoken about each other so much, now that he knows so much about me, I feel insecure. What if he could see the darkness through my eyes. I surely have shared my pain with him, but it was easier because he was not looking through my eyes.
I could hear the thunderstorm outside, the density of rain has increased a lot. Irrespective of that sound outside, I could feel my heartbeat going faster, deeper, I feel like a drummer is jamming without giving a shit to the world in my heart.
My room is dark and chilled with the rainy wind, still, I could feel sweat in my palm. I have never felt so special yet nervous at the same time before. My room lit up with the phone ringing with the Harry Potter tune echoing all over the room. I receive the call being scared, excited, happy, and clueless. I can finally see his face right in front of me, he looks confused as he can not see me. I did not turn on the light in my room.
I find his expression to be cute and funny. He is trying hard to see my face but the darkness in my room wins till there is thunder that lits up the room for a few seconds. He has now seen my face. We chose to remain silent for a while. I keep looking at him, I could see the impatience in his eyes to see me again, I could see that witty smile on his face that makes me wish to give a smile back but I remain expressionless. Finally, he speaks up!
“Janashi, that look on your face in the thunder light is something I could spend my life with. If you are uncomfortable, we could switch back to voice call.”
I sigh feeling shy. I walk to the switchboard and turn on the light of the room. Now we both could see each other. The way he looks at me makes me feel like I am melting. I kept staring at him and I could see his expression changing. He is smiling. I feel like capturing this moment and living in it for a lifetime. The rain has stopped, but the constellation of clouds feels like it is calling us. The congregation feels like it has been made for us. I wish to give my heart out to you, I trust that you will keep it safe with all its scars. With every breath that I take, I could feel like you can see deeper and deeper though me.
This awkwardly beautiful silence has spoken the most till now. I always wanted someone who would understand me when I am silent, I never looked for just companionship or physical presence that feels like absence. This virtual presence of yours in my room through the technology feels more real, unlike every time I had been with the wrong people. I have always been surrounded yet I have had the void in me which I do not feel anymore today.
Reyansh, the first ray of sunlight, has entered my room on this foggy and cloudy night. I have never felt so much brightness around me. I fell in love with the darkness and always kept myself hidden in this melancholy of loneliness. But today it feels like an end, I feel blissful and delighted. I feel heavy in my heart yet light in my mind.
I finally smile, I blush, I feel so shy that if you were really here, I would have hidden in your embrace and would probably have never come out of it. You have brought colors in the rain, you have brought essence in the cloud, you have bought a rainbow in my heart. Now all I could do is bloom and paint my life. I could breathe deep in the fragrance of love, I could fly in this limitless sky with the wings that you have given me.
I take your name, looking into your eyes!
“So how is your day now?”
“Beautiful and complete!”
How I wish you were right here taking me in your arms, how I wish I could feel your heartbeat, and could create our own rhythm of love. How I wish to hold you so tight that you would know, you mean the world to me, I would scratch through your body to show how ruptured and demolished I have been all these while without love. But will you understand my agony, my soreness, my torment? Will you be the remedy of my scars? Will you be able to harmonize with me to bring back to a beautiful reality with you?
I have no answer to my own endless questions and doubts. All I know is irrespective of being scared of losing myself, being afraid of falling apart again, I have fallen for you. I want you to be the keeper of the person who has never been kept.
My thoughts interrupted with noise from the call. Did I just see what I was least expecting? I could hear someone asking you where do you wanna go but in Bengali!
“Reyansh!!! Where are you?”
You give me the most skittish, frivolous smile!