“Baadla Meye” – I have always been called by this name by most of the people I know and I have never been fond of being called so. The terminology mentioned above is a commonly used Bengali one, which means a rainy/cloudy girl, someone who brings in the rain wherever she goes.
I remember being a kid and asking my mother about the reason for making a puppy face. For me, I have always been fond of my name given by my parents, but every time someone used to call me with the other one that I mentioned, I used to get mad, angry, frustrated. My mom took her own sweet time to explain to me the reason behind being called so.
The day I was born, the entire city of Kolkata was underwater. Never in the long-run, the city had witnessed so much of rain and water-logging throughout. It became tremendously tough for everyone to even find an ambulance or a car to take my mother to the hospital in such deadly weather. Even after it was finally managed and she was admitted to the ward it became almost impossible for my other relatives to reach. The City of Joy never in her life became so drenched in the past years.
My mother would always say that it has been the way of God to shower blessings on me ever since I came on the earth. Every time I had something important to do in life, be it an exam, or a job interview or my joining, if it rains she says I would make it. And to my own surprise, it was always been that way. Before every exam in my life, it has rained and a few droplets has touched me before I started taking the exams.
I remember when I went to give my first ever job interview, it was raining and I was about fall in a hole created by rain and storm but somehow I saved. But the time I entered the room full of interviewers I was completely drenched. “What a disgrace in.the name of the first impression!” I thought. But to my own disbelief, the interviewers ended up saying we need more dedicated candidates like you who would not bunk office in such situations. All I could respond was a stupid smile in return.
I have been sick and tired of the rain my entire life. Every time I would go for a trip it would surely rain and a trip in the rain has its own kind of pleasure. The city of dreams is well-known for its monsoon and rain. Even though I have not been able to be a rain lover that city sure did some magic on me that I fell in love with the non-stop water droplets pouring on myself all over. Apart from that, I have never been a rain-lover. Even though the clouds have their charm on me always, but the monsoon and the rain have always failed to impress me.
This year, a few days back when I woke up one morning on my birthday, I was greeted by my aunt by saying “Happy Birthday, Baadla Meye!” And certainly, I was not surprised by the fact that it has been raining all over the city since last night. “My birthday and no rain! Still a myth!” I thought to myself. And I hated that fact to be true! Unaffected by the weather I started scrolling through my Facebook and all over my feed it was people’s status of ” What lovely weather!” Couples tagging each other stating “How I wish we were together in this rain.” Never to date I understood what is so romantic about such weather when you can not go out in good clothes, get drenched, and increase the possibility of falling into the mud! “How stupid of them,” I thought! I have been in a relationship and still never found anything special about this rain or never had an urge to initiate romance due to the rain. Am I the only odd one?
And then after a few days from my birthday, you came in my life. Out of nowhere when I received your text that evening, I admit I was in shock. It was an unexpected one for me as we never spoke in the last two years. I surely remember the only time I saw you in office was on Halloween, that painted face and that black shirt rolled in sleeves and your unique smile and approach to everyone- I admit I was impressed, but we never had a chance to talk back then. It has been two years since I have seen you and I have left that city. Never in my life, I thought that you would reach out to me someday.
I never knew that you too felt an urge of talking but we could not. But I am glad that you texted that evening when it was raining heavily. One text from yours brought a smile on my face. Since then every time I spoke to you in these days it has been raining. Every time you are on the other side of the phone, you will crack some stupid jokes and I blush it rains. I have been lashed down many times before, but nothing ever seemed to be like this. The feeling that this monsoon is giving me, the goosebumps these water-drops are giving me every night when I finally close my eyes, nothing, and nobody made me feel the way that you are doing.
Staying apart, being distanced physically from someone, never felt so beautiful before. Through these raindrops, you only seem to come closer to me every day. Every single droplet that touches my fingertips, makes me feel like I am touching you one more time. I wonder, how come we never spoke to each other before, I regret being so close yet being so apart. In those dark and lonely nights when I could not fall asleep, I was scared, I was hiding away from the world, I wish I had you then, I wish I tried to speak to you about my fear back then. But all that consoles me now that you know what I have been through. You know why I could not speak, you know why I have been avoiding everyone.
I have always been wondering, how it would feel when we will be together. Whenever I think of our togetherness, it makes me feel happy and alive.
I honestly do not remember when was the last time I felt the same. When I imagine you brushing off my messed up hair of my cheeks and putting it over my head while staring in your eyes, closing our distance within the proximity of something touching between us. Then all I could do is shy and hide in your embrace. The closer we get I see deep in your eyes, those dark eyes looking at me even without a blink. Get creased in a flick when you touch me on my waist. Wrapping my hand on your back, I will peck a kiss on your lower cheeks my lips touch your cold cheeks the warmth creates goosebumps and a shiver runs across both of us. And you hold me tightly in your arms, heartbeat goes fast and faster.
‘Let me kiss you’ you would say. You give me a smile and kiss me the very next moment. Confused and happy I would rest myself on you. The sound of cloudburst and downpour only will make it more obvious for me to hold on to you more firmly. Your gentle press on my back will ensure your presence makes me feel secure and comfortable. The facts that you know about me, after all, that I have been through in past few years, losing a brother, losing someone I loved and trusted with all my heart, being a left alone in the entire world, makes you hold on to me more and with every touch of yours, you only ensure your foreverness in my life.
The unsaid promises, the unspoken devotion melts me more and more. Your enviousness over them whenever I say that the raindrop touches my lips, your covetousness about the space between me and you, the fidgety of yours about the aloofness between us that makes me feel that I am desired, makes me love the rain more, makes me love you more.
I wish to take a walk with you in the rain alongside the beach, I could imagine you looking through to my eyes when we stop. I wanna run deep into the water but you wish to stop me, scared, afraid that I might slip off in the water. I wink to ensure that I won’t. You would give me a nodding smile and decide to accompany me. Rain from the up and the water of the sea touching us from below, the cold breeze passing between us which makes me shiver and you could see those goose-pimples all over me. The hug to ensure the warmth that I need, a kiss to ensure that no matter what situation I am in, you will be there, nothing to date seemed to be so promising.
I have seen many rains, many monsoon passing by, but none of those droplets ever gave me any ray of hope, any presumption of love. The rhythm of those water-drops, makes me rethink about us, I want to be lost in this melody of the pours, I want to lose myself in this melancholy of the night clouds, the darkness that shines brighter than the sun. I still wonder how would it be when I tell you in your ears that I have fallen for you, would you hug me tight in the middle of your chest? I will be awaiting you staring at the path no matter how late you are. And when you will finally arrive I will ask you if you will keep me safe with all your love or will you prefer to leave as everyone else did?
If you decide to stay you will need to know that someone like me who gets a panic attack every single night, will still love you intensely and vulnerably and wholeheartedly. I will fall in love with the reassuring conversation of ours. This feeling scares me thinking of being devastated all over again over someone, but the same feeling brings in the light, the certainty and passion within me at the same time. The formation of the passing clouds that build my heart, all that I could ask them tonight, is this the new beginning of not falling apart ever? Is this the era of my kind of foreverness! Has the time come for me to lose myself over my sheer happiness and live in OUR FOREVER! The RAIN might know.
My thoughts get interrupted with a beeping sound from my phone. I feel goosebumps all over with that beeping noise expecting it would be a text from you.
To be continued…