After I turned 21, I realised nobody actually cares!
So, let me take you to the year 2017 – when I was 18 and there was so much inside me. I started discovering myself as a writer, as a person, as a friend, as a girl who wanted a love story different than the whole world and I wanted to fall hard for someone, I wanted every darn thing in life. I had a lot of friends! People, who thought I am reliable, amazing, always up for hanging out and what not? I was maybe someone, who seemed perfect friend and that’s what I wanted to be. Perfect! Just like water. Clear and someone who can dissolve herself in any situation. A people pleaser, yes I hate to say that I was that! I left college and I was 20 – ready to take the whole world in my feet! Let me tell you, that’s how exactly a person feels before they face reality. We think that the world is a big place and we are the one who can conquer it. We have plans, backup plans and it just seems sort! But life always ruins our backup plans or plans with it’s biggest plan – Reality.
I was the one who used to think that whatever happens, friendship never fades and it’s something which will always handle you no matter what. Like TV shows and books? There will be some girl-friend who will make sure that women can be friends! But the stronger the bond is, sometimes the more breakable it becomes. I turned 21 and shifted to a new big city. Why? I wanted to rectify a few things – a few relationships. I tried maybe not harder but I destroyed. But I felt left out with that person who was my ego, my pride. My best friend. But the friend I had, Maybe I or time ruined so much between us that we were just friends, not the ones who used to be each other shelters. I thought that the change will rectify things because what is the relevance of holding on to those wounds which are old now? But maybe, some wounds are just enough to break bonds of years.
In January, when I was going through major heartbreak and so much and I had no one to talk about it. I had 398 people in my contact list but who can understand me? Anyone who can understand why I am angry with myself? On situations? I was silent. But I wanted to share things with my that friend but I could not. Because I felt I will face the judgement or maybe I will be the burden which I never wanted to be. How does it feel? When the only person whom with you used to share your thoughts, your choices, your every single story is not just there and you don’t feel like telling it to them anymore. You don’t feel like telling them how you feel because what is the point in talking about all the misery you have put yourself into?
So I shut everything inside me and started living. I laughed hard but my mind was a mess. A person, who is alone in a city and choose to be alone. Why? Because when you are 21 you realise that your depression, anxiety, your thoughts, heartbreaks become someone’s talk. They will help you and then they will make you feel wrong. You can be a people pleaser but there is a thin line between being a people pleaser and ruining your ego for people. You can never make anyone happy for the whole life. You can not walk how they want you to walk because it is your life and you have to understand how to handle things because the world is a selfish place and if you are selfless, trust me – they will take you for granted.
No one cares if you are happy, sad, depressed. It is your life you have to understand your own worth. You have to understand that someone can not treat you like anything because you have been doing mistakes and they were counting. Trust me – it’s okay to be someone who are done with every single soul and the least care will bother that person. If someone loves you – truly! They do not count on your mistakes. There is no one in this entire world who can accept you truly, fully. Not the one you will fall in love with or your friends. People count your actions. Just accept who you are, even if you are terrible, miserable, emotional, or just numb and empty. You can not take yourself for granted or you can it is your choice. But treat yourself right because the people who care about you – will stay even if you don’t want them to. If the people don’t bother about your existence then your kindness or your worst state can not affect them.
Stay for yourself, work for yourself. Love whom you want and don’t judge them because other doesn’t like them. It’s okay if you are selfish for others if it helps you to stay strong.