I stared at my laptop without blinking. It was going to be the fourth day and I have not completed anything on my to-do list. Skipped my work-out, Skipped my breakfast, Did not clean my room, did not study, did not text anyone, did not call my parents or my best friend.
What is happening to me? What has been happening to me? It’s been years and I never talked about it. All I am just doing is controlling my self. Can we control Depression? Can we control Anxiety? Or they control us?
People say, we need to talk about mental health and we need to let go of things. I am not dwelling myself in some stuff or it is not my favorite thing that I focus on bad things too much. Like everyone else I also want happiness but I do not feel that.
There are days when I feel like I can conquer the whole world and there are days when I just can not get up from my bed. There are days when all I do is my work and there are days when I push myself to work. On days, I eat like I have not eaten anything in days, and then I do not feel like anything at all. I feel like under-weight, somedays overweight, the scar above my eye corner is too visible and then I do not care about it at all.
It started in 2017 when I started facing Insomnia. I stopped sleeping because of nightmares. I tried, almost every day. To sleep alone in dark but the voices inside my head talked to me like they know me so well! They told me how pathetic it is to have no one beside you, how pathetic it is to run from the thoughts which are turned into your demons. Let me tell you what happens – I slept, I get a nightmare and I can feel that my whole body is numb and when I open my eyes I can not move. I feel the tear streaming down my face because of a heaviness I feel and all of a sudden it’s over. Like I am not drowning anymore. Like, it’s over and I am back to reality. And then I try to sleep again and it starts again. I felt frightened and never wanted to sleep.
People asked me why I don’t sleep – it is not what I want. It is not in my control.
I don’t talk to people because I feel no one understands the feeling of being trapped inside your thought. I am not lazy or I do not want to do it. It is irritating when someone reminds me that I need to get this done and I just can not. I push myself and with half heart I do it but I am never really happy or content.
You can not sleep, you want to stay alone, you feel lonely and you just feel numb.
Anxiety, Wow. I remember how people call it someone who is a nervous wreck, who is overthinking. What exactly Anxiety is?
When I was sitting in my cubicle and the voices around me was not what I hearing anymore. All of a sudden my cubicle made me feel like a white room without any doors and all you could see are the walls. I closed my eyes and many voices were rambling to me and my body was shaking. I controlled myself – again. I run to the bathroom and locked myself. I cried and hoped that it stops because I was not ready for a breakdown. My heart was racing and the voices were not stopping and I closed my eyes again. I calmed myself down and I went to make a cup of coffee. A strong espresso so that I can stay calm the rest of the day but I knew it will not happen. Sounds weird, isn’t it?
How much one needs to fake to behave normally.
I tend to be more sarcastic so that I can stay calm. I started joking around more than usual.
I remember those anxiety attacks which turned into self-harm. How punching on walls so that my mind can shut up. I remember being silent so they can stop.
Then I realized, this is how it is. Living with anxiety or depression is no joke.
You need to put a mask on and get a degree in pretending normal so that you do not feel things like this. You need to behave like you do not need anyone and you push away everyone, cut ties with people because you do not want to be a burden to them. Being isolated by choice is something that has become your choice and you are constantly trying to be okay with it.
Dealing with a person who feels like drowning 24/7 takes a lot. It takes a lot of effort for being with them especially when they do not know how to handle themselves. They will not tell you and are too stubborn to admit but once they start being okay with you handling them that’s when the real challenge comes. They will ignore you, they will not tell you anything, they will try to be okay. But you need to listen to their rants, handle their demons like yours and I know most people feel that it is baggage but no one wants to be a burden for anyone. How anyone will be ready if you make them feel like that?
You need to tell them that they can be themselves with you and with every night you need to accept people come with baggage. If you want to stay with someone who has their stain you need to do your best. And if that person, wants to stay with you without thinking about their depressed self – trust me, you are lucky because you are now the reason they are ready to take baby steps.