“There will be a time in life when nothing matters apart from you” I have heard this line a lot of time from different people. But I have never thought that I will reach this point in my life. I have always loved and admired God’s other creation, every creation. Especially Human. But now, nothing matters.
I never wanted to see this point in my life. I wanted my life to be full of love and joy. I have always been full of life. I have never understood isolation. I always loved people around me, it doesn’t matter how many times they break me apart, I still worked to keep the bond alive between us. I have always thought that if you give love and respect then you will get it back in life for sure. May not be the same amount but you will get it back. But I was wrong.
I loved him with my whole heart and life. He meant the entire world to me. But he tore me apart, in a way that I could not put those pieces back again. I tried, but I couldn’t. Because nothing matters to me anything, anymore.
I met him at my High School. We started dating and then fell in love (at least I was in love). He was handsome, hot and heartthrob of our School. I was the simplest nerd with spectacles, long hair till waist and sweet girl in the crowd. I never thought he would even talk to me. But he did. I had already lost my heart to that handsome hunk. There were girls, who were crazy for him. I had heard from others how big flirt is he. But it never bothered me. I have lost my heart at his voice, his smile and his eyes. They were dark hazel. He had an average height, athletic built, little dusky skin tone (which looked like golden brown to me). I have never seen him flirting with anyone. Though he used to talk to a lot of girls. He was quite popular, be it among girls or boys. But he was never good at studies. That one thing bought him to me. Though he could have gone to other students too. But he asked me.
He approached me first during lunch and I choked on that food. He was scared and confused. He left the place making sure I am fine, without saying anything further. I was restless the entire day and night, thinking why did he come to me? I was scared and embarrassed. He spoke to me again after a week. He needed my help with studies. We agreed to meet in the Library. After studying for a week together, I found him a very sweet person. He was not the person everyone says. He might be a flirt, but what I saw is girls flirt with him more. We started talking after studies as well. He told me how shocked he was when I chocked over my food. He was shocked to see that his simple “Hi” can have that reaction in someone. He is happy that we are studying together and I am not like other girls who flirt with him. He chooses to study with me because my behavior was normal with him and I was good at studies too. I was happy, but the other people around me were jealous.
He started opening up with me. He started bringing things to eat for me (things I like), checking up on me, and caring for me. Once he asked me to meet at the park after school. I have been there waiting for him. It started raining, but I was still waiting because it would be rude to leave without informing him. I took shelter but I was still drenched as it was raining heavily and the shelter was small to keep me dry. He came after 15 minutes of rain. I was still waiting. He hugged and kissed me after that. I was shocked and scared. That was my first kiss. Why did he do so? I was happy but I was feeling violated too. I did not go to school for another 2 days, as I was down with a fever. On the 3rd day when I was in school, I thought to avoid him, but I saw him in the gate. He smiled at me, came to me, hold my hands and asked for forgiveness for his behavior. He told me that no one has ever waited for him as I did. And he was mesmerized, he didn’t know what to do, so he kissed me. He loves me and he wants me with him, by his side always. My face turned pink. I did not what to do. So I said we are getting ate for class. Later I accepted him and his proposal. We were the famous couple in school for 2 years.
After high school, he left for a different city for his college. He asked me to wait for 5 years for him, he will be back after being a doctor. I promised to wait. We used to talk over the phone. Slowly, the frequency of replies was decreasing. After a year, my friends started telling me that I should move on as long-distance relationships never work. I told my family that I will wait for him. That was a tough decision for me, but I stood on my promise. There were no calls or text from him within the next 3 years. I could not accept anyone else in my life. I completed my college then moved to another city for work. I got a call from him, asking for forgiveness, after 4 years. Eventually, I was moving to the same city where he was.
We started hanging around again. I really believed in him. He was back after 5 years, as he promised me. I was happy. I was dreaming of our future together. I was holding on to my love, my hope, those beautiful dreams I have seen. I was counting on him. We were happy together. He was doing good in his career. Everything was going well. I was living my dream. One day, I realized I am pregnant with his child.
We had a discussion once, and he stated that he will marry me immediately if ever I will get pregnant with his kid. I was excited to share the news with him. I called him and told him that I was pregnant. He hung up on me. That was not the reply I was expecting. I thought there is some issue with the connection, so I dialed his number again. He did not pick up the call. Then his number was switched off. He had recently changed his job and flat so I was not aware of his home or office. All I had was his number. I called again and again before realizing that he had blocked my number. He blocked me out. He left me again. Broken, more than before. More than ever. I waited for 2 months. But neither did he call nor he stopped by. I eventually decided to abort the baby, because I was not in a position to take care of a baby. I was not in a position to give a good life to a baby. I decided to abort my baby. I decided to kill my love, my dream, my baby. I killed the last ray of hope I had for love.
Losing him again was like losing my life. And this time I did not only lost my love, but I also lost a child. I have never trusted anyone anymore in my life again. I lost that sweet and tolerant girl inside me. What I have now is straight forward and a strong, bold girl. Who is not scared of facing anything. Who is not scared of anything apart from love. I am single until now. I have got guys around me who wanted me in their life, but I could not accept it. I am scared. I don’t want anything anymore. My life is peaceful. I am not happy but I am peaceful. I don’t need people in my life to keep me happy. It’s been 4 years after that incident, he never back. Not once, until yesterday.
I have not changed my number. It is still the same as my college. I don’t like the changes. My phone rang yesterday. It was an unknown number. I picked up. The voice from the other end was known. I knew that voice so closely that I could not forget it after these many years. It was him. That moment I understood how deeply I loved that man in my life. Because after all, he has done, my heart is still pumping fast listening to him.
He called on my number expecting it to be not in service anymore. He was sorry for whatever he had done. He was telling me how scared he was when I told him I was pregnant. He didn’t know what to do. His friend suggested him to take step what he has taken and he trusted him. His friend was keeping an eye on me to confirm if I have aborted the baby or given birth. He was relieved when I aborted. He did not have the guts to come back. He never realized what he has put me through until now. He is married and his wife had to abort the child because of some complications. He has seen her crying and going through mental and physical pain. That made him realize that he should apologize to me. Maybe what he has done to me, that’s why he is going through all this now. He was apologizing. He wanted me to forgive him. But I could not.
-I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
-I know I have been a very terrible person. But can’t you please forget and forgive me for once. For the peace of my mind’s sake. Please…
-Ok… You don’t actually have to forgive me. but can you at least say it once for my sake, so that I can have some peace? Please, dear…
-Why can’t you? (irritated and crying)
-Because I don’t feel anymore.
I hung up without waiting for anything else and blocked his number.