It’s such an amazing question you have asked me today. A reason why do I love him? Why does he make me feel everything I forgot that it exists? I can give you millions of reasons but that won’t be enough. How do you make me feel?
I do not remember my childhood that much, but I remember your cologne. I still remember that perfume you wore on our first date. I remember how you entered into my life from that door. The room and my head both were crowded but you – you just stepped in and marked my heart with your ink. The first time, when I looked into your eyes and counted every mole on your face. The way your lips curved when I told you that you have pretty eyes. It feels like a lie that you just crossed my path and I was wishing the time to stop.
“Why do I love him?”
Because even when I know people are temporary – I felt sleeping in your arms is the only thing I ever wanted.
The time when I had a usual outburst and I hugged you for the first time on a winter night and melted in your arms, I wished that it’s just a dream. Because in reality, I don’t want to leave your arms anytime soon. My chaotic head and my lips which never shut up found its calmness and silence under your touch.
The way you cupped my face and looked into my eyes right before kissing my lips – thinking about all the poetries I have written in my past. Do I mean my words? When I write them? Or you are just going to stay as one of my characters? You must have this thought once maybe?
But then, I never told you – but the more I kiss you more I want to melt in your arms. The more I look into your eyes, the more I want to open up my heart and show you who I am. The way you lazily hold onto my waistline – It always made me feel like I want to sink into your touch and when you stroke my hair and touch the back of my neck – you make me forget everything about my existence. When we lay under the sheets and I touch your eyelids with my fingertips while looking into your eyes. I count your every heartbeat which craves for my lips. I like the way you look at me with the lust and yet you try to control it with all your love all I want is to hold on to you till I don’t feel like your breathe, your pecks are just a part of my dream.
“Why do I love him?”
They ask me whenever I talk about love or maybe when I write and my hand just shivers. Because loving is not easy, and I don’t know if the contentment I had already is love or not? But I know you give me that shiver even when you are not around with me. Just a mere thought of your eyes makes me feel messy and calm.
When you said that only I can drive you crazy and you don’t like it and I stared at you with a smile. I wanted to tell you that I never wanted anybody whom I cannot make feels things. I wanted your anger and craziness for myself. The rough edges, the soft kisses, all for myself and when you gave me that – that’s when I realized, why I love you. I love your ‘flaws’ and the way you control your emotions yet became vulnerable. I love you, for what you are.
“Why do I love him?”
And I thought it was the end of the red beautiful days. That time when I held your hand with all my strength inside me just when you said that you might slip away. I hold on to you tightly because losing you was just scary to me and I know, feelings can be momentary but I never wanted any of our moment to slip away. I was silent but I used all my strength to hold on to you because what if I just have this moment – this second and then I will lose what I want the most? That’s when I realized why I love him.
‘Why do I love him?’
I remember your lips touching my skin, the soft kisses and strong hands – the way you held me in your arms and right before you touched my under thighs – you stared at me. The vulnerable eyes looking at you and you said, ‘I don’t want this right now, we can wait right?’
I kissed your forehead because all people wanted is just this body and now – when you could have just undone me and seen my naked self you choose to cover me in a cardigan.
This is why I love him.
He chose me – not the skin which covers my insecurities. He chose me – the girl who contradicts herself a lot or sounds hypocrite to others when she talks. He uncovered my soul every day with his presence and told me, even when nothing works – we have each other.
Every day, I seek for his eyes which can only hold mine. His voice to calm my chaos. Every morning when I wake up after having a bad nightmare, I want his strong hands to hold me. He knows me, loves me and wants to stay with me every single day and even though forever is in my head and it never exists in real life, he makes me feel that living in the present is more than any forever I will ever need.
That is why I know – Why do I love him.