You can call me a blunt practical human if you read the first line. Well, unfortunately. I am not.
Being blunt with my emotions is not what I have done when I should have executed it. Emotions, weird emotions which makes us so weak sometimes. What made me weak? I remember loving this person. “The one” why the one? Because that’s what I thought when I met my “The one.” Black eyes, fair skin, amazing hairs and the one I was never attracted to. Until, the day when I was in a crowded city and I was all alone in my new rented apartment. I was sipping my morning coffee and looking outside the window. It was raining outside.
I never loved the rain. I still do not.
“You know, the weirdest thing?”- I said while looking outside the window. Watching the raindrops imprinting my glass windows. We were on a video call and I was as usually not really concentrating on what my ” The one” is trying to say. I was lost somewhere?
“How can someone like me? I mean, when someone says that they like me. I am like, are you blind? Or dumb? Or crazy?!
How can someone like ME!”- I emphasized the last word and I was smiling hard.
” Why someone cannot like you?”- I turned into his voice and my focus was in his voice.
“Because…. ” I paused and then said “Just look at me, what is there to love? Or even like about? I am just a mess who cannot without a sarcastic comment. I look average and we’ll, I have way too much of anger for anyone who can handle.” – I said.
“I am pretty much me.” – I said and shrugged off. I started sipping my coffee when I heard “The one” saying.
“I don’t know about anyone else, but this is the only reason why I love you.” – He smiled at the last words. I was taken aback. Did he just? Oh yes! He did!
I took a step back and started running (not literally!) I knew that this is not going to happen. And in order to save me, I started running from him. His eyes, his voice, the way he stayed till the morning just to be there for me, telling me every day how much I mean to him and how much my thoughts and dreams matter to him? I was attracted to him and knew, he is the one but admitting the fact has been the hardest thing for me.
Did I show him my childishness, my care, my jealousy, my anger but love? No. But then one night. When I almost lost him in the accident, I thought but he was safe. I hugged him so hard and sobbed terribly. I told him that the world is nothing, but he is my everything. His eyes are my peace and his arms are my home. The one which carries my burden sometimes.
I loved him. I trusted him with my whole self because he was my “The-one”
That moment I realized this is going to be hard for me. Falling for him is going to be hard for him.
When you fall for someone there are chances that you are going to break but you still choose to be broken anyway. Just for that one moment.
Months later, I was getting ready for my office and once again I video called him to show him my dress (well, he loved me in ethnic)
“How I am looking?”- I said in my chirpy voice.
“Beautiful.”- He said… But today, his smile was different. It was not loved. I can see there is a guilt in his eyes and sympathy in his smile.
” What are you thinking? You are too silent? Are you having the breakup thoughts?”- I asked him, with the hope that it is not what he is thinking. But it was what he was thinking.
“I cannot do this Tiya. I love someone else. I don’t love you anymore.”- He said. I was numb. I felt like someone stabbed me with a knife and it just ripped my heart open. He loves someone else… He loves someone else… his thoughts are now for someone else… his I love you’s are not mine anymore… His care is not about me… He is someone else ” The one”
All I wanted was love… All I wanted was him. I was comfortable on my own skin for the first time. For the first time, nights were not being scary for me. I was taking care of myself and I was in love… For the first time. I felt someone loved me. Do you remember that? How much extreme and passionate you feel when someone you love loves you back? He was that to me.
It tore me down.
Killed me in a different way where I do not have any choice than living.
I was alone. Because that time my “The one” was lost.
It took me a while… A good while to realize we do not need love sometimes. We do need someone who can accept us the way we are and love every piece of us for not just six months or a year but till the time they can. Maybe, not forever but at least have faith and hope that they can try for one person forever.
We all do need love. Yes. Because we all are broken in a different way with different hands. We all are murdered by fate and the ones who have never been our only one. It takes a lot to love someone, trust them with your every piece. But if they break that does not fall apart… Fix yourself. Love can wait for a while if it wants or meant for you.
What you need to do is. Walk. Walk and create your world with all the colors you have inside you. Don’t let anyone paint your world with their color or even if they do, make sure that the colors never fade.
Yes, you will stop feeling the heartache even if it is their somewhere inside you. But you will stop feeling that when you will realize love does not come to those who do not love themselves. You need to love yourself. So much, that even when the one will say “I love
you.” You can say, “What’s there to not love about?”
You can shine so bright that with your shine the darkness will not exist and the one who painted your world black will think, “I need someone like her!”
The one was never the black eyes, fair skin, and amazing hairs maybe.
The one was a human, who made mistakes. I cried a lot. Stood up in front of the mirror cried again, and wiped the tears till the day she was standing in front of the mirror and said.
“You were not the one for me.
I am the one, for myself.”