I was lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. The white empty walls always scared me since I was a kid. It still does… and I am tired. I am tired of feeling this way! Like, at times when I want to cry but I can not. Like I have lost my voice. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I can not feel my heartbeat. I closed my eyes so that I can shut down the rapid breathing and my mind but then Cindy comes to my room. I hear her footsteps in my room and then she asks me.

“Why is it so dark out here?”. I ignored her voice.

She slept beside me and started talking.

“Is it because of the guy you have been with? You never liked dark rooms, Catherine. Remember?” – She asked me and I was still silent.
I heard someone screaming their lungs out from downstairs. I had no strength to go and shut them but I walked downstairs with Cindy.
“Mom! Dad! It’s 01 am for god sake!”- I shouted at my parents who were shouting at each other. I ran downstairs and went to the kitchen.

“It is the last time I am saying this Amanda! This is not your place! You and your daughter have been living here okay? You can not stop me and my friends from being here!”-My father was screaming. His eyes and veins were popping out and I can see, his face was red. This is scary for me. I shut my eyes so that I can forget this sight.

Those sleepless nights 2

“Oh is it? How can you forget that she is your daughter as well?”- My Mother screamed in her shrill voice. I wanted to cry but I was not able to. I shouted at them to stop! But they just ignored my voice as they have done before. I started sobbing but they continued to fight and ignored my existence.

“This is what happens, Catherine. This is exactly what happens when you stay with someone for too long! Love dies and what remains is two screaming people who can not stand each other.”- Cindy whispered in my ears and ran back to my room. I always avoided Cindy for telling me all these things. Relationships scare me and that’s what I feel when it comes to love that it always ends. I ran toward my room and shut the door and I can feel the suffocation inside my chest. I can hear their screams and all I want to do is just shut them out and stop these voices. I felt my blood rushing in my veins. I was standing in the middle of my room and sobbing hardly…

“Are you okay, my kid?”- I heard the voice again, which was whispering near me. It was his breathe. How can he enter here? Did I not locked the door? I thought and I was terrified.

I turned and I stared into his eyes. His black eyes are full of lust and evilness. His lips were formed in a smirk. I hated how he was looking at me like he wants to devour me right now.

“How the hell you are here!”- I shouted.
“MOM!! DAD!”- I shouted and I was walking backward. Steve, he looked at me and he did not wipe his smirk. He was coming near me and at one point I was frozen. I was not able to walk and I felt numb.

“You poor little thing. Don’t worry, let me take care of you.”- He put his hand on my thighs. Digges his fingernails and all I wanted to is shout but it was like I have lost my voice. I wanted to punch his face or just want him to push away from my body but I could hear his breath. His words, his moans. I could feel his hands on my body and I felt disgusted. I just wanted to run away but I can not feel my body anymore.

“GET OFF ME! LEAVE ME! CINDY! MOM! DAD! SOMEBODY, PLEASE HELP ME!”- I cried. I heard footsteps. He did not stop. My eyes are closed cause I can not bear the pain which my soul was feeling now.

“You deserve this, Catherine!”- Cindy said. I can feel the pain when I heard her voice and which made me feel more worst is me being raped by the man whom my parents trusted the most. My uncle.

“Please stop!”- I cried. I started sobbing.

“You deserve this Catherine! You don’t deserve anything less than this! Not love! You deserve this!” – I heard Cindy, My parents, and Steve’s voice and suddenly I felt my body falling. I hit the ground and my eyes opened.

Those sleepless nights 3

I stared at the side walls. I started sobbing. It was 06:30 am. I walked toward my kitchen and gulped some water. I can feel their presence. Steve, smirking at me. Cindy trying to tell me how much worthless I am and My parents who are on the verge of killing each other.
I took a white pill that was inside my pocket and started breathing. Finally, I was able to breathe and there was silence. Suddenly, everything was silent and I felt calm. There is no rush in my veins, my heart was beating again, my breaths were normal and I was calm. I made some coffee for myself. I stayed silent and my mind was not racing with thoughts.

I checked my report which I left in my kitchen table yesterday. I opened the file and started reading.

“Miss Catherine Fox – Age – 29
Bipolar II disorder, Anxiety disorder

Have four different personalities. A voice that she has named Cindy which helps her negative thoughts. Parents who always fights – as per her history of childhood which has been affected her part of the brain. A person named Steve – who raped her when she was 19.”
I read the report… “No one should know this”- I murmured to myself.
I threw it in the trash.

“It will be fine. I am not crazy!”- I said to myself. I was sitting on the chair of my kitchen when I heard Wesley’s voice calling me.
“Hey, baby! Good Morning.”- He said and engulfed me in a hug. Wesley is my fiancé whom I fell in love with. Who is the reason, why I try every day to love and live?

“Good morning babe.”- I smiled at him.
“Did you sleep well?”- He stared at me and asked me.
My mind felt nothing and I thought about everything that has been happening for a long time.
“I am fine babe. I am fine.”- I said and smiled under his chest. I opened my eyes and I could see Steve, Cindy and my parents smirking at me. again.

Those sleepless nights 4
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