A random bad day, spoiled mood, questionable judgments, uncertain life decisions… All piled up on a single day. This must be the worst day of my life. I knew it is not the end of the day and hoping for the way out. But the tension around me was nearly gulping me from inside. I was aware that there was some talk going on for my current project at the management level related to the project location. But suddenly, yesterday, in a hurried meeting we were told that the project is getting moved to another location due to client requirement and me and my teammates are on the verge of losing our jobs. I had a meet arranged with my manager separately and was told they hate to break the news to me, but if I am not willing to move to the new location of the project, they must let me go as per business requirements.
There was a hush-hush earlier about our company and I already got a very nominal appraisal for my last year’s performance. I wasn’t happy and did not wish to continue in the same organization. However, Durga puja, which was the biggest festival for us Bengalis, was in the corner. I wanted to wait for some more time so that I can enjoy the festivities with my family and the decision of career change can be taken later when I come back spending my leave. You know, festival gifts, traveling to my home town will surely make a hole in the pocket, so I didn’t want to be unemployed by then. But the reality strikes me suddenly, I could no longer haul the decision and had to make it right now. With a heavy heart, I put down my papers and head back home. I was feeling more than miserable and depressed with this sudden departure from the organization, where I worked for nearly 4 years. The street was bustling with heavy traffic, I looked from my seat and sighed. I am not coming back to the same route again, not part of this crowd anymore…
All the plans I made, were standing in uncertainty in front of me. Asking me what should I do next? I must go back to my home town; my family will be waiting for me to join the festivities. I am without a job; shall I go there or search for jobs staying back in the city? What about festival gifts? Shall I not buy anything for me and my family in the festival season now and save the bucks? Shall I inform my family about my situation? What’s next…It was like suddenly, I am inside into a dark tunnel, not knowing where it is leading me to, which direction I need to move? All these grown-up years, but inside me, there was a child who was crying for help. I was deeply shaken by the inner struggles inside me. The sharp pain of uncertainty, loss of confidence kept on doubting my self-esteem. I had a sleepless night. The whole night I kept on looking for an answer. I searched YouTube for motivational speeches, started looking for stories to uplift my mood. Nothing helped me and could console me with an answer.
I got up from the bed, sipping a glass of cold water. I went outside of my room and stood on my balcony. After god knows how many years, I saw the sun rising… The sky was full of autumn clouds, a single strike of sunray was coming out from the back. Suddenly my phone rang twice. I knew it was my mom. She is an early riser and has a habit of calling me after she wakes up and wishing me good morning every day.
Just like the sharp golden sunlight vanishing in the melancholic grey clouds, the phone reminded me of my duties pointing me to answer the call. I talked to her and acted all-natural. I knew what I needed to do. I need to pull myself up. Whatever happened is now past. I am not anymore attached to my previous organization, but it should not stop my life. I have promises to keep and miles to walk before I sleep… I remember the lines. Standing close to the mellow wind, I let my hair fly, took a deep breath and uttered to myself, “I am going to battle this situation.”
I came back to my room and started doing pending household chores. I see my room is not clean, clothes are piled up for a wash. I got busy with work and took a nice warm bath. I went outside, took a stroll down the lane for a while. Sorry, that I could not share any sort of positive thoughts and suggestions for the situation. At this point in my life, I may not be able to offer comforting thoughts. I guess we could never be prepared for the sudden rejections, be it in professional or personal life. But I still wanted to share this facade of my life with my readers. Yes, this is the real me, right now this is what I am feeling.
Life is not a Joyride. I need to perhaps be Sad to understand the value of ‘Happiness’ in my life. I need to endure the pain for my betterment. This is me, who has been fighting all her battles silently, wetting pillow with tears, falling hard and trying to stand up again, laughing on stupid jokes, finding pleasure in a quick walk and small tub of ice-cream, a good book and writing her own dilemmas in this piece.
And now what’s next? Whatever happened, has happened. Let bygones be bygones. I will learn from it and move on with grace. And this writing will help me remember my story. I know it is a struggle, and I will not give in to the blues.
I look forward to finding a stronger me.