There are those nights when I feel the urge to cry my heart out. I ask myself, why! Why am I even crying? Everything is going pretty well, then what am I scared of. What it is that is making me weaker every single day!
There are times, when I feel, growing up is not certainly an easy task. Considering myself lucky enough, because I do not have many responsibilities on my shoulder, I sometimes wonder, what is it that is bothering me.
When I look back at 2019, the year has caused me a lot. Going through the pain of losing someone who was the most important part of my life, has certainly cornered me. There is a huge void made that can not be fulfilled ever again.
Along with growing up every single day, I fear losing more and more. The fear of losing the dear ones, the fear of being pushed away, the fear of being a failure.
It is certainly not easy when I see people around me are organized and has a goal set up when I am sitting, in a nutshell, being completely clueless about what to do with my life. Should I just let it go the way it is going and let the tears come out every night.
Getting up every morning, freshening up, eating, going to the office and coming back home- is that all? Talking to him at the end of the day without being sure of the fact whether he will be there forever or not! Well, that hurts.
There are times when I simply want to give up. I crave love, I do crave for some attention, some special kind of attention which makes me feel secure, which makes me feel worthy, worthy enough to stand against all those mouths that talk shit about me.
Sometimes it is tough, tough to ignore what is people talking about you. Rumors spread faster, and there are times when it crosses all the limits and I can not tolerate it. But how many times I will run away from them? How many times I will convince myself to let them keep on talking. There are times when I want to get up and slap those people and shut them. But again! I know that won’t help and that would just give others one more hot topic to gossip about. So I choose to keep mum.
But I still crave, I want him to understand what I am going through, without my saying. I want him to look at me, I want him to hold me in his harm, I want him to hold me so tight that I forget that there is any other world around me. I crave for him to touch me, I crave to talk to him all day and all night long, I crave for him to listen to me with all the patience he has.
I am tired of being the understanding one. I want my insecurities to be valued, I want my silent screams every night to be heard, I want my fake smile to be recognized as fake. I want my inner self to be felt.
I am not asking for too much and I know it. I understand he is going through stress and that is the reason I have decided to keep quiet. But every day it is getting tougher. Even though I am not supposed to be answerable to anyone, I am answering.
They will say, Go with the flow. I want to know what if the flow is in the wrong direction? It is always easier said than done. I am not being able to fake it every day, I am tired of faking my happiness. I know that I am lagging something but not sure of what exactly it is!
Whenever I have tried sharing such feelings to people, I have seen that it is not only me, but many of us are being though such times where we find everything to be worthless. Childhood is the days where we dream to be something else and our adulthood teaches the reality to us. Adulthood seems to be the real teacher that is giving some of the other important lessons to us every now and then.
My life has taught me that losing is a part of life and I am being adoptive towards it. But there are times when my soul gives up. The fears overcome all the other emotions and tears turn out to be the outcome.
From a woman’s perspective, there are several types of worries that bothers. Going out for work, becoming a victim of some shameless monsters, being over-friendly and getting the tag of characterless, being reserved and being called the woman with attitude. Being in a relationship and fear of losing him over the silliest problem of being from a different caste. Being the only child of my parents and fear of leaving them alone in this big house after getting married.
I am sure that each and every one of us walking in the road with some fear in mind. Maybe someone’s dear one is fighting with death, someone is struggling to earn enough to run a happy family, someone has just been accused of a crime that he has never committed, someone has seen some crime but fearing to bring it out in the daylight. No matter how big or small it is, fear is always a fear.
But life has also taught me to not to lose hope. I am hoping that there would be someday when he will stand by my side, against all the odds. I am hoping there will be a better day in the near future when I will not have to shed my tears in the pillow, I am hoping there will be the day when he will not be far away but right by my side. I am hoping that he will hold my hand in front of the world with pride and introduce me to his world stating “That’s my girl”. I am hoping that he will stand by me and take care of my parents the same way I will do for his. And I hope that day won’t be too late to be true.
May this 2020 we all overcome our fears and life turns out to be a happier one. I think it is okay to cry your hurt out but let us not lose hope. Everything is going to be alright. :)
A belated Happy New Year folks. :)