“You can abuse me as much as you want!”
I heard my roommate shouting over her phone and it distracted me from my book. It was late at night but I was not intrigued. I know how it feels. Darn! I know how it feels! To be a heartbreaker – I know how it feels.
“You are hurting me! You are freaking breaking me! I know I won’t die without you but it hurts!” – I screamed at you while sobbing. It was 3 in the morning and I was crying for hours. It annoyed the hell out of you but all I wanted to know is the reason. The WHY behind this? What made you think that it is okay to leave me? I did everything I could but what went so wrong?
I wanted you so badly and you never understood! I loved you and unfortunately, you are the one whom I loved like the writer in me loves her words. I felt trapped in my own body and felt the blood rushing in veins. My heart pounding and begging for mercy. The only cure for this heart was you so I begged and begged.
“Please, tell me! It’s a lie! You love me! You loved me! You said you love me! How you can love someone else? Did I do something wrong? I always cared about you, loved you. Please! Tell me, I will rectify my mistake.” – I sobbed in pain.
“I can not do this! This is so hard!”- I screamed in anger, love, pain almost everything.
” Misha, listen to me. Please. Listen to me!”- You tried to console me like your mature self always did.
“No! How can I? You love someone else!”- I started breaking in the last word. I was panicking.
It has been two days since you announced that you don’t want to stay and I am clutching on to you because my life depends on this relationship and you knew it.
“I don’t deserve you. Please, let me go! This will only hurt both of us. I can not stay with you.”- You said calmly.
“How can you love someone else? How can you feel this for someone else?”- I asked. My mind was blurred and all I was trying to do was control myself. I never wanted to react this way but I am a baby when it comes to you. A crying baby.
“Because I never loved you!”- You screamed. I was silent and it’s like someone slapped me on my face.
“I never felt that things will be serious between us but you turned out to be serious. I can not do that – I love someone else and I can not force myself more in this relationship.”
You explained. Like it was so easy for you to say all these?
Don’t you feel that someone is breaking all the strings of your favorite guitar? Like someone else has snatched it away? Like the empire you have built is not yours anymore. Like a part of you is going to turn into memory or worst going to create some new with someone else?
“I need to cut the call now Misha. She does not want me to talk to you.”- You said. Wow! Someone has already replaced me. My nights with you is not mine anymore, your care for me is not mine anymore. You are not mine anymore.
I was shattered when you hung up.
I was stunned – all the memories of you and me just started flashing in front of my eyes. The first time when you said you love me – I was not ready to believe that but then your eyes.
Your eyes were so pure when you told me the reasons why you love me. When you started reading my mind when I used to fake my laugh but your response was “Okay. What’s wrong with you? Do you want to kill someone?” When you just easily figured me out and I thought that I am actually easy to love – just that moment life surprised me with the perfect gift. Our Breakup.
” I need to hang up now! Bye!”- With my roommate’s voice, my trance was broken. I looked at her – her eyes were drained. She has been crying too but silently.
“I feel so pathetic now! I am such a freaking miserable person!”- My roommate cried. I walked toward her and asked her what happened?
” I broke up today.”- She sobbed.
“Yeah, even the neighbors know that. But care to share the history?”- I am miserable with comforting words.
” I loved someone once Misha. I know he is my past but the fact is, I don’t want to put any effort now. It is not something I do? How can I put all my efforts in every person? How can I stay with someone anymore when I no longer want it?”- She told me.
“Then why you were with him?”- I asked.
” Because people say, we should choose the one who loves us. This is wrong Misha! We should never choose the one who loves us but the one with whom we can love too. I tried to love him back but it is not something I can do. I do adore him but I can not feel the passion, madness, or just the love for him.”- She explained.
“So, this is why you broke up?” – I asked her.
“Yes. But needed a reason so I think, I will tell him that I have been cheating on him.”- She said.
” You don’t need to do that!” – I said to her.
“Then?”- She asked me.
” Tell me if you can stay?”- I asked her.
“No!”- She blurted out.
” Then just say that. Stick to that.”- I told her.
“See, he will feel devastated. Crazy. But trust me he will be fine eventually. He will heal.
But if you told him that you are a cheater – you will lose your respect. It is okay! We fall in love but sometimes it just does not work out. We can not just make someone fall for us if they do not want. He deserves love and so do you. You are not a pathetic person but this is a pathetic situation.”- I said. She looked at me intensely and I started explaining.
“He loves you and it will be there. But you do not love him and if you can not then he also does not deserves everything one-sided. Let him set you both free for the happiness of your and his.”- I said.
Heartbreaks are tragic. The worst feeling of all and I know how devastating it is. It took me 9 months to realize that you were right – I was trying to trap you with my love and I should have never done that. If my heart was being broken you were losing your part as human. Being a heartbreaker is not easy and I realized when I saw people around me doing the same with others. Everyone does that and it is a freaking cycle! You left me with so many questions and the most hurtful question was – “Why I was not perfect for him?” but I made my peace with it because I loved you. Didn’t I? Closure or not I have a life to live and You were just the face but the feeling I had for you It will be there and I will cherish that. So I learned, that forgiving you is the best thing because holding on to broken pieces will hurt me only and I want to live without regretting that I loved you once. We still do talk sometimes and I still do love you because you are the first person who made me this way. You turned me into a possessive and crazy woman but you no longer hold me or my emotions. You are not mine physically but the love I have for you will be with me even if you don’t want that. At least, I have learned to love myself again with the love I have left in me.
“You’re right Misha. I will clarify it with him.”
After a long silence, my roommate said.
I smiled at her and went back to my book. The smile on my face was yours and it was the memory of heartbreak which made me smile. Telling me that it is okay to be broken. It is okay because without being broken I can never be mend again.
Heartbreaks are tragic, but what is more tragic you know? Believing that we are broken and never try to fix ourselves with whatever we have with us.