I have no idea if anything else sounds scarier than the fact that you feel “You are not enough!” Be it at your job or at your household work or anything else. What do you do when you feel that you are probably not capable or worthy enough?
From childhood when you see your parents fighting day in day out and you just kept standing at the door clueless and could not refrain them from being abusive. Even though you might be just a kid but you never realized how much you have grown up inside because of the things you see around yourself. All you could do is keep on feeling helpless, you kept on thinking you are not old enough to interfere in those fights.
Being one of those “Not so good looking” kids in the entire colony who did not have the privilege to go to a fancy school unlike other kids, you ended up thinking you are not smart enough to communicate to others, you are not pretty enough to mix up in those cool kids gang. You probably were not allowed to wear a lot of fancy dresses and those “cool gigs” made fun of the way you look, the way you dress. Even after trying your best you never really understood why it is never enough?
Having a particular body shape caused your insecurities. You have been ashamed of presenting yourself in front of others. You have cried night after night and the pillows have soaked in the drops and you never told anyone about your insecurities about your own body. When you fell in love for the first time and your “supposedly prince charming” made fun of how you appear instead of making you sit on the horse and vanish in those clouds. But he showed you how you were never enough and you got your first heartbreak.
You came back rushing to your room and to vent it all out, you fill in your diary pages with tears rolling down. You end up scratching with the nip of the pen and just one line came on the paper! “Why am I never enough?”
Just when someday you finally started to overcome those wounds, when you thought were healing, when you finally started to think that now you will be able to show everyone that you are enough, you are again put down. Your adulthood starts, your body suddenly changes, your voice changes. You get your first pimple and then you end up getting acne all over the face. You get the tag of being “Ugly”. When all other kids are growing up with you, you still remain the short girl in the class. Your height is not enough!
With several insecurities going through in the back of your mind, you one day prove yourself to be enough, academically. You shut every mouth with your brilliant performance in your first board exam. You get through a good college, your phobia slowly goes down, you start to smile. You meet new people, good people. People who make you feel good and enough. You fall in love and you remain in love unless one day you are again reminded of how you are not enough to be in love.
Complications keep rising, college ends, you join the corporate world where everyone is pushing harder to show that they are enough. Your new struggle begins. You are working, you are earning and still, some say, that is not enough. They make you feel how others of your age doing better than you, earning more than you. They come to show you how the distance between you and your love are enough to kill the vibes between you two. You let the love fade in fear. Your love comes to show you how you are selfish enough to think about your own self and how you are not worthy enough to fight for.
You close all the doors around you. They will tell you it is just heartbreak but deep down you know how it is permanent damage to you. They will pull you down, make fun of how you are losing it over just a guy, but deep down you know it was a love you thought you would fight the world for. When you saw him struggling, when you saw him sad, how your heart skipped beats, how you felt the crunches in your stomach, how badly you wanted to hold on to him? But when you were struggling, when you were in pain, they pushed you, they left you and you felt you were not enough!
Every time you have a misunderstanding or argument, you feel that it is all your fault because you always have known that you are not enough. So whatever happens, you are used to blaming yourself. In love you can not see your partner’s mistake, you are not taught to play the blame game as the world does. You will keep on sobbing in your sleep thinking where are you lagging, you will keep on believing that it is you who is screwing things up every time cause you are a mess.
Even though your heart is broken and shattered, you still keep on blaming yourself imagining what if you have pushed it more, what if you would have tolerated more. You feel like you are not pretty enough to keep your love attracted towards you, you are not easy enough to deal with cause you fight over every little thing cause they matter to you. A small change in your love’s behaviour worries you.
You overthink the situation because the other person is not bothered enough to put in the effort. You need to realize that love is never about one person keep it pushing and the other one messing it up every freaking time. You need to realize that you have your own breaking point, and you can give up on love when you feel “not enough”. One phone call might make you smile, but ask yourself is that smile-worthy enough to spend a lifetime with? Will, he put effort or will he keeps on pushing you when he is just lonely!
You need to hold on. The right person will appear like a rainbow after the dark clouds. For him, you will be more than enough. You would be the most beautiful, prettiest one, you will be everything worth fighting the world for. You will not have the urge to give in because you are scared, of again not being enough but for that one person, you really won’t have to turn the world upside down. Cause he will turn your world upside down.
You will know how you are enough to deserve all the happiness in the world. How you are enough to wake up with a smile and show the world a middle finger and get going. You will know how you are worthy enough to get your promotion on the time at work, how you are enough to fit in that one perfect dress you have been dreaming of. You will make the dress beautiful, the vice versa will not be needed this time. With and surrounded by the right person, you will know, it is all worth it, with the scars that made you more beautiful, strong and the fighter that you are today. You will not have to let the tear sink in, there will be the glitters that will make your path shine.