There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper
And more hurtful than anything- Laurell K. Hamilton
I was having a fever and tremendous headache that night which I could barely endure, but somehow, I managed because I know it very well, that there will be no one who will be with me forever or even in my difficult phase. I was trying hard, I was pushing myself to stand up on feet but kept falling over and over again, the temperature was high and I was burning like anything, vomiting continuously, I was lying on the bed and thinking
“Am I the worst?”,
“Am I not good enough?”,
“Am I not pretty?”,
“Can’t I love?”,
“Can’t they love me?”, the way I always wanted…
“Why am I always deprived of Love, Happiness, and Relationships?”
“I want my answers”, “Why”?
Innumerable questions turn up in my mind, in my dreams, where I keep questioning myself like a lunatic, it gripes me so badly that sometimes I think “why am I still alive?” I yelled, and kept screaming, blabbering cause that’s is the only way to console myself.
I have nothing to do, I am helpless, I want to sleep peacefully but trust me whenever I try to close, there is something which keeps obstructing me, which doesn’t permit me to sleep.
“Why did you leave me, mamma?”
“Why did you leave me alone”?
From that day, since you left, till now I have been suffering, struggling with myself, fighting with my mind and my heart.
“Don’t I deserve to be happy?”
“Am I really unlucky in relationships?”
“Why don’t they stay in my life?”,
“Why don’t they love me?”,
My own father doesn’t care about me, he started keeping a distance from me, I don’t know the reason, why is this happening to me?
I am not feeling okay, not at all, I feel jealous of my friends to see them happy with their family, with their loved ones, the way they spend their quality times, the way they care for each other, I don’t get this feeling but I need this and it really sucks. Whenever I see people around me.
I start thinking that, at least they have a family, they have their own people, who’ll be waiting for them, who’ll call them if they are late,
but what about me?
who else will be here for me?
Mamma, don’t I deserve someone?
Don’t I deserve someone’s love?
What’s wrong with my life?
It is getting ruffle, I can’t see any hope, nothing, I am not complaining, I am also a human being, I have my own emotions, I have some expectations, still I remember your last words which I was told, “there will be a time where no one would be for you, not even your shadow, you’ll be all alone, completely blank, at that time you might be panic but don’t lose hope, you will keep fighting and fighting, you have to make your own way.”
But the question is,
“For how long?”,
“For how many times?”
How many times will I have to fight?
Mamma, I am not okay I need someone and someone’s love, who’ll love me like crazy, who’ll look into my eyes deeply and say why do you always feel that there is no one for you? I am right here only for you, look at me, I am not going to leave you, my girl, never,
who’ll hug me tighter like never before,
who’ll kiss my forehead and give me assurance that how many times we fight?
how many times we get angry with each other but at the end of the day, we’ll talk?
who’ll be asking me not to panic?
The reason for being so tired? I am inside you, I am inside your heart, I just want to share myself with you, let me enter inside you, don’t cry, who’ll drag me toward himself and grapple me like no one does, I want to feel that love which will be full of madness, want to feel that touch, believe me, mamma,, I am still searching for that one, with whom I’ll be sharing not only my body but also my soul, my mind, my heart, everything which I have….
The more I think, the more I break, the more I try to control myself, the more I blaze in anger, I could not come over from this solitariness, I am losing in darkness and there are no possibilities to come back, I can’t sleep mamma, I just can’t.
I screamed and looked at the ceiling fan,
Literally I am exhausted, mentally depressed, physically frustrated, I am tired of chasing over people, relationships, happiness, every fucking thing… neither I am getting my family to support, their love, care nor I am getting my love of life… I am scared of this darkness; I am getting scared of this fucking loneliness day by day. These sleepless nights are infuriating me a bit by bit like poison… Who’s still breathing just to get that touch of Love, Care, happiness and Relationships.
My whole life is becoming a joke and I am the joker, a laughingstock, mamma you always used to tell me to Fight back. Yes…. I am fighting with the emptiness, I am still dealing with void which continuously pushing me to the trench. I am missing you like hell mamma, that is the reason I keep staring at your picture and crying and I am getting hopeless person, aggressive, my mind stops functioning, I could not see any good things in my life all I can see is the Darkness. I feel that I am the prisoner and have been in the cage for many years and I am going to be finish day by day, though I have been a living dead body whose heart is only beating only for that hope If…
Every day and night, every moment, every hour, every second that one question hit my mind,
“when will I be free?”
“When all my scars, my sorrows, my aggressiveness, my anger, my depressive mind will be gone?”