There is a quiet little place in a dark corner of my head; no door no window. There are mirrors instead of walls, in every direction. When I look into the mirrors, the eyes that look back are mine, the reflections are mine, but they all look different. Have you ever felt trapped and the whole world felt like a cage? Have you ever been a prisoner of your own head, felt a terrible urge to put a bullet through it, just be dead?
The texts that I saw in Ankita’s WhatsApp were still flashing up like a cracker in my eyes. I was wondering that Is still the word ‘Forever’ there or has become more mutable than fashion?
“Ankita, are you there? May I talk to you for a while, please? Ankita? Can you see my texts? I have rung you 6 times in the morning, are you in college? Where are you? Do you really hate me? I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but I am not able to really cope up with all this right now. Please do talk to me once. I will feel better! Please. Ankitaa!” Shuvo begged un-apologetically.
“Hmm say! I was busy”, chewing the dried nuts, Ankita pointedly answered to the 1 long page text of Shuvo.
Before the conversation continued, Ankita made a call to her new boyfriend Sagnik to let him know about these all and they both started laughing over a cup of coffee. I heard her imitate Shuvo in the way he used to talk.
It’s been 5 months I’ve known Ankita since we’re sharing a room together. Shuvo had been her boyfriend for the past nearly a year and they both seemed happy couple. I had seen them speaking to each other throughout the whole day and they hail from the same place. Due to this reason, their families get along good with each other. They had plans of marriage, honeymoon, babies, make-outs and many more. I heard a lot about them from a common friend. How she met him, how they fell in love, the times they spent, the fights and the sugarcoated patch-ups just to fuck hard. I heard about it all.
The sky crashed down, and the world became bitter when Sagnik entered the scenario. I understood from Ankita’s every college detail that there might have been something taking place which may change everything, their promises of ‘Forever’ may take a turn to the ‘Never ever’! I skipped my beat when after a month or so, Sagnik knelt on his knees and proposed her in a room, decorated with candles, flowers and their photos. I was almost dead when she nodded ‘Yes’
In a wink, I witnessed Shuvo be flushed away. Sagnik now stays over phone nights after nights, just the way, Shuvo used to be. Just like she pampered Shuvo while talking to him after he came back from office, completing his hectic schedule, she has been doing the same with Sagnik. Ain’t Shuvo’s memories peeping anywhere in the left of your heart?
The clock is striking 3.30 AM and it’s been an hour I have been watching the ceiling, wondering how a person changes faster than a season and their betrayal flips someone’s whole world upside down!
Could you hear the sound of heartbreak? I don’t think you have, imagine if you were the unfortunate one. It’s incredible how can something be so loud, so shaking, so troubling, cruelly changes colors, be so violent, so loud and yet so silent and so discreet. It introduces darkness and makes way for suffocating sorrows within absolute calm. The only one to live it is the only one to feel the chaos and that’s how some say “It’s just a broken heart” because they don’t know it’s more like a broken human and a broken world.
It’s very easy to break up with someone when they show you their demons. It’s easier to leave one of your fantasies to welcome another.
I will tell you what is difficult. It is very difficult to stick with someone even after you have seen all sides to them. There might be some ugly sides, sides which you might absolutely hate. You should have the maturity to understand, that those sides are the ones which need a lot more love than the happier ones. You should have the sincerity to make their troubles your own, and deal with them accordingly. You must understand when he is hurting, and you should try to lessen his pain, not inflict it further.
Not everyone is easy to love. I have been with one for quite some time now. I have seen days when he hasn’t left my side for one second. I have seen days when he didn’t even bother talking to me for the whole 24 fucking hours. I have seen nights when he has fucked me till I begged him to stop. I have seen nights when he has turned his back on me and stayed up till the sun rose.
He is a nightmare on most of the days. A living nightmare, successfully hiding his battles with a warm smile. But there are days, there are fleeting seconds when he is genuinely happy when he is smiling not to fool the world, but because he wants to. And I have stayed, for those little moments, when his heart flutters with happiness, and he smiles from eye to eye, without any hint of pain in them.
He’s my home, my comfort. I have never tried to make him fall in love with me. I have never tried to enter his space. I have just been there when he didn’t have a single soul to tell him that it’s okay. I have seen him lying on his bed, his left arm dripping blood all over the white marble floor. I didn’t judge him. I took his hand in mine, washed his wound, cleaned the floor, and made him sleep. I understood he was hurting. He needed an escape.
When we met, he was in a complete mess. His life was shattered in bits and pieces. I tried to take him out of it, a little at a time. Like you all did, I could have done things for him. But I didn’t. I made him do things on his own. I taught him how to earn his own penny. I taught him how to get back up, alone. I was just there, every time he needed to fall back on someone, shout and complain about the cruel world. I had always lent him a shoulder to rest, a smile to greet, and a heart to love.
He isn’t easy to love. I admit. I wholeheartedly admit. But what makes me soothe is the feeling when I understand in little actions that he loves me a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. He will never ever confess it and actions speaks louder than the words.
He wakes up before me every morning and wakes me up with a cup of coffee, and a kiss. Every morning, without fail. He helps me in the kitchen, he helps me clean the house. He talks to me when I am depressed and hurting, and he loves me a bit more, to help me overcome my fears. He plays PACE with me till 4 in the morning, and he takes me out for ice cream at 4:30. On nights when I have my consistent nightmares, he hugs me tight and lets me sleep, undisturbed. During the days of my menstruation, when it hurts so bad, I cannot even make it to the washroom, he helps me get up from bed, he carries me to the washroom and helps me change. He influences me to be a better person. He supports my dreams more than I support them. And he believes in me when the rest of the world doesn’t.
In the space between his words, the silence sits like punctuation. I stare back at him as he looks away. I feel like gazing at him just the way the world looks at the Pizza.
He has seen me when I have just woken up from a bad dream, face all covered in sweat and hands shivering bad, he has seen me decked up for a date, all glittery and glamorous, he has seen me cry for the billionth time just because he has got angry on me, and he has seen me laugh till my stomach hurt over ‘American Pie’ on nights when we are too high to even find sleep. He has seen me on days when I cannot find the strength to leave the bed and face the world, for my depression has taken a bad toll on me, and he has seen me on days when I am at my chirpy and bubbly best. He has seen me on nights when I cry myself to sleep, without any solid cause, and he has seen me on nights when I make love to him over wine and music. And he has loved me equally, always.
It just needs patience. It just needs love. A lot of love.
You need to learn how to keep a man. Finding a keeper and loving him is very easy. But to make a man a keeper is difficult. Try difficult things, sometimes. It has a different pleasure.
Hey Ankita, just being a roommate, I would like to ask you that when you laughed at the begging of Shuvo with your new partner, how do you just forget the days when you and Shuvo were making out and he looks into the depth of your eyes asked you, “Do you love me?” and you caressing his head in the cleavage of your breasts answered, “I do a lot, I will FOREVER”?
How do you do the same things that you did with your ‘Forever’ love?
How do you keep your headrest in the chest of another guy when you promised to be only Shuvo’s?
How do you kiss someone else when you know how Shuvo’s smooch tastes?
How do you replace your ‘Forever’ love with just a random guy whom you know for the last 2 months?
How do you ignore your best friends to have physical touch with this new one?
How do you portray Shuvo as a fuckboy to your friends to be innocent?
How do you leave the basic ethics that you can’t voice back when Sagnik abuses your parents?
How do you keep your mouth shut when your friend asks a decision of a hangout?
How do you rub off all your personality?
How does your heart not melt receiving 200 texts from Shuvo and how do you mock on that?
How Ankita, tell me how? Even you don’t need to justify, just answer me.
DOES FOREVER EVEN EXIST FOR YOU?
The girl who knows what FOREVER means