As soon as I came back home around 10pm at night, it started raining outside and I was shivering in cold. Throwing the backpack, I went to freshen up.
– Did you switch on the geyser?
– Who can else be, Maa?
– I knew no doubt it was you! I asked you to check if shame is left in you or not!
– Oh! I’m switching it off!
– Why do you need to get down from bed? You’re supposed to lie down there the whole damn day!
– Can you stop annoying like my manager?
– Learn to do things in a manner! You must have aesthetic sensibilities!!
… Murmuring and grinning at me, Maa went to the kitchen for the dinner. I was scrolling through the Facebook account and found a post “Share how was 2019?”!
Oh yes! 2019 at the fag end! Years are passing by, we are aging up, relationships are getting a start in a whistle and ending like an abrupt web series, the terrible storms like Phoni, Bulbul, yearly norwester are visiting us, India’s development is going down towards the road of destruction, my parents are wondering why I am not still serious about things like marriage, career, students are ranking in different scale but not learning anything at all, the reporters and news channels are telecasting same news the entire day and so on.. My life would end but the list wouldn’t! Actually 2019 is ending!
So, basically this is 31st December, 2019. Being in a job of multinational company, you can guess why I ain’t interested in any plan of hanging out. It seems a waste of time to me! Instead of going out to in the name of chilling, I would prefer to sleep those hours because that is what corporate doesn’t let us do! While drooling over a cup of hot cream coffee around 11.50 at night, I was into completing some important office works. The sound of crackers and a peal of laughter of some young voices from a distance made me realise that so this is how we have opened the door of 2020. Technically, the next decade!
The clock said, 12 AM sharp. My whatsapp and messenger was on the verge of bursting out with the wishes of NEW YEAR, even from the heads who don’t care if I am alive throughout the year! I didn’t open a single message because none of them matters. I took few calls and dialed some numbers who have been there like a leech when I screamed, cried, laughed and talked bullshit! Keeping down the lid of the laptop and covering myself under the quilt, I stood at the window to look at the new year sky.
It was same. The same sky in 2010 and see, it is identical even after a decade! I sank into the murky deep thoughts. Why should a year-changing be celebrated widely if nothing in our life would get any change? As the sun will rise tomorrow, just as the stars will go out one by one like the streetlights under your balcony, and the sky will turn from a dark red hue to a pale shade of blue, calling out to a new horizon. Just as the crescent moon will fade and fade, become nothing and disappear around the corner like a forgotten memory on your rearview mirror, like the thoughts that are killing you right now.
Just like the night of hurting, of despair, of feeling that you are not worthy of love, or closure , or happiness, like you’re all alone trapped inside your head and there’s nobody to hear you scream, nobody you can talk to, I want you to promise yourself that you’ll embrace it. Isolation is a gift. you must get used to the fact that you’re all you have because you are all you need.
What is the heck to allow yourself to break tonight? Let’s learn to give yourself time, sink into the darkest pit of vulnerability that you can possibly descend to. Let your trauma run it’s course like an uncontrollable fever through your heart and your soul and your eyes and your mouth and your mind and your gut. Allow yourself the deconstruction to pave the way for reconstruction, the process that turns coals to diamonds. Set yourself on fire and let the tears turn to embers, carry you through the dark and burn everything that cuts your path.
And when the sun will come up tomorrow, and the first light of 2020 will hit your tired, red eyes, you’ll know. You’ll know that this is not your end. You’ll know that this isn’t where you should give up on yourself. And with this realization that you are still breathing, despite living through something that would have killed you, you will come forth into light. Despite what people said. Despite the darkness that swallowed you whole, you will rise. And when you do, it will be as universal, as inevitable, as predestined. No force of nature, will be able to stop it. Not even you.
It’s okay, you know to stop beating yourself up for the things that happened to you, that shook the earth under your feet and made you fall…fall so hard that it broke your spirit to shreds. And for a long time, you lay there in the dirt. And all you could feel was pain and madness inside your head.
It’s okay, to stop blaming yourself for the departures that destroyed you. Remember, they don’t define you. If you had loved them with every breath you took, don’t let anyone ever tell you their leaving was your fault. Not them, not your own heart, at 3 am.
It’s time to put the longing behind. To open the door and step out of the room you locked yourself in, a room that you once decorated with all the sincerity and passion in your heart, ostentatiously. Get up, pull the curtains. Let the new year sunlight follow your footsteps, it’s time you renovate, this time YOURSELF.
Pack away the rugs you still sleep in, the ones that still hold faint traces of their smell like a secret that you keep, long after they have left. Take off the heartache, that clings to you like worn out clothes. Don’t find comfort in the darkness. Do whatever you must. Reset, refresh, restart, don’t waste the days you have left, looking for the missing pieces of the love you lost.
It’s your choice to move on in this new 2020. Take your time. Take all the time you need. Accept that there will always be a part of you that will ache for them, miss them at every odd and random moment of the day. Accept that little things, like the burnt taste of coffee, a song, or a movie, or sudden rain, will remind you of them and for a second, paralyze you. But that’s okay. That’s okay, because leaving you was their choice. But moving on and building yourself up again, Well, that’s yours to make!
This is last night of 2019. Tonight, let’s breathe, in peace, in acceptance, and in defeat. You’re tired in your bones of this fight. How long can you force your eyes dry? How long can you fool yourself that you’re not sad? How long can the smile in mirror hide your pain? How long can your laughter mask your screams? Just for how long?
Bury your face in the pillow and scream your lungs out. Every word, each memory, every damn thing which are still bottled up in your soul, choking your throat dead, cut that shit off. Some people always will try to make your soul sink into the abyss of doom. You know, sometimes, let’s try to invent funny in random lame things just to make yourself stay happy. You have tried talking about it to the people you had considered yours! But nobody could get the depth of your scars. They think you will be fine after few day, like a recovery from flu.
Standing at door of 2020, take a vow for yourself! Tell your soul that you are not giving up. You will cry again, yes. You will pour out every trace of those pain tonight, yes. You will fall to your weakest, yes. But you will rise back. You will fight. And one day, you will be proud of how you fought your way out of this.
Another epic story is in making, and that story will be yours only. Halting on the edge of 2019, promise yourself that the the tears, the heartbreak, and the struggle you made to survive it through will only motivate you to roar like a wolf and to remain unbeaten and invincible for everything. Promise yourself that you will have all the smiles, laughter, joy, and love. I was wrong! Many things can be changed in a brand new year. You can get the changes for your betterment, for your delightment, for the peace of your own heart. What about gifting yourself the mental rest? Let’s swear by God that we won’t let anxiety drain us! Let’s offer our psyche a spunk, no matter if upheavals come to the trapdoor!
It is already dawn. The clouds are floating like we read in the fairy tales. Like a dollop of fur. The sun ray touches my face and gives a peck on the head. My palm-lines are shining! The birds are proclaiming the hours of 2020. The thing that hits me hard in this fresh morning that the time from 2020-2030 is going to be the most happening decade of our lifespan! Many of us would complete our studies, get married, would settle career, will have children, family, responsibility! In this new beginning of hopes and wishes, raise your head high and welcome yourself at the gate of the new year and shout out loud to 2020
“Hey you, Bring anything on my table. I’m all set to bang on!”
Happy New Year to everyone out there. To our readers, appreciators, writers, team-mates, friends, families and to the all. May you get all the good vibes around you which will help you grow more. Let’s raise a toast to the upcoming journey which we are going to make ‘ROCK ON’!❤️