I have dealt with people changing,so that is not one of my problems.The problem is dealing with a changed self and when I say this,I am certainly not talking the changes that age puts me through,not the change from half-pants to full-pants or from oiled hair to gelled hair.What has really frightened me and perplexed me is the change in me,as a being and the changes that have made silent altercations to the cognitive whole that I was.
It sounds dramatic but it seems like I am living in pieces-it is like a disintegration that is absurd.I have stopped being a whole and swapped myself for a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces I remember seeing but have now lost.And honestly,I do not have the energy to search for them.
I was a different person,I used to take random photographs of you and not lock my camera up in the cupboard.I used to run and not sleep.Now I do not sleep as because I do not feel sleepy or sometimes I sleep throughout the day.I used to laugh so hard.I remember that I used to make you laugh a lot.
Now I do not laugh as I do not want to show my ugly,nicotine-coated teeth to others.Or, may be I do not feel like laughing.I am not quite sure what I miss or what I long for.I am also not quite sure whether I can do anything to bring myself some clarity.Yet,I like this life.This head of mine is full of memories.My memories and your memories…the taste of the food that I used to cook for you,the sharp smell of the men’s deodorant that you use is there in my nostrils,my pillows and the slight taste of your lips through the cigarette that we used to share and many more.
I will live,I think!