I feel this weight upon my chest and an anchor chaining me to my bed. I’m fighting to get up. I’m kicking, screaming, tossing and turning. Yet the chain tightens and pulls me back to my bed. I can’t breathe, it’s too tight. My soul is drifting away…
I’m losing the battle, it’s too strong to overcome. The darkness has taken over my soul. The fog rolls in blinding my vision. I can’t see…
I place one foot on the ground then the other, unable to see I stumble into the kitchen. I’m shivering, but I know I need to eat. So, I grab food and crawl back to bed. I’m simply already exhausted from the walk… I wrap myself in layers of blankets hoping to feel the warmth. But the cold is coming from within… Laying there lifeless I stare out into the fog and listen to the cries of my stomach. The cries get louder and stronger, but I’m too weak to eat. Feed me, it cries, i’m hungry. Don’t punish me for your pain.
Soon a burning sensation feels my gut, it hurts. I try to reach for my food, but nothing moves. The world starts to spin and I feel sick. Finally, I force myself to eat, while trying to hold down the acid coming up.
Tears fill my eyes, because in reality I know it’s not that hard. To get up, to eat, yet I am chained down to my bed. Laying there staring into the fog (which turns out to be a wall, but all I see is fog). Hours go by and I’m still staring into the fog. Not feeling or hearing anything around me.
Where have I gone? I think I am lost. See, don’t you understand that this is not a choice? It’s not pretend, it is a trap. It’s my mind holding me hostage. Can’t you see I want to change? Can’t you hear my weeping?
I know you don’t understand, but please don’t leave me during this time. It’s not me, its my disorder. I’m not crazy, my fear is so intense it takes hold of me and I don’t know how to regain control. Please just stay with me until I feel better. Don’t give me a reason to stay locked away. Show me what it’s like to hope. Pour your love upon me, because I can’t feel love. I’m scared and my fear consumes me. I am scared of being abandon. I’m scared of being unloveable, but even when people surround me I can’t feel their love for me. I want to feel loved more than anything, sadly I can’t feel my only dream. I can’t understand how someone could love me and I don’t see why someone would stay as a friend to me. I don’t feel connected to anyone… As much as I want to feel that bond with another person. It’s just not there… It’s like a big whole living inside my heart.
I am fine one minute but as stressful situations happen, my emotions go chaotic, my knees become weak, I can’t breathe. I begin to shake and emotionally I react. I’ll cry, shout, and turn into someone completely different. It’s as if my mind turns off and I turn into my six-year-old scared self. I will yell, scream, cry, and do irrational things, such as calling someone 50 times. My body and emotions react, even before I have a chance to process things. And the worst part logically I am still conscious. I will question myself asking what is going on this isn’t that big of a deal. Or tell myself to stop, but it’s like something takes over that I can’t turn off. My emotions take over and I can’t control myself any longer. The hardest part is that my greatest fear of being left happens often because of my disorder. I’ve been told that my disorder causes me to be a difficult person and it makes it hard for people to love or be around me. My energy is either way too high or low. There is no middle for me, and I don’t know how to change that. I’ve been told that my emotions make me unlikable and unbearable.
I fight for people to stay in my life, but most of the time they can’t see past my emotions/disorder. It happens so much sometimes it’s hard not to view myself in the same way. It’s hard not to want to punish myself for being a burden to other people.
How am I suppose to explain this to you, when I barely understand it myself? How do I control something when I lose all control?
Please hold me tight and don’t let me go. I know it doesn’t make sense, but i’m not myself in those moments. I am my fear and my inner child is lost and terrified. She needs a home to run too. Somewhere to feel safe and loved. I don’t want to lose this battle. I don’t want depression to send me to the grave, but I feel so unsafe when I’m not on my bed.
These are some of the things I deal with because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD impacts the way you think and feel about yourself, resulting in problems functioning in everyday life.
I often feel empty and lonely that causes me to cling to people close to me. Some days I feel hopeless, while other days my hope is restored. My emotions can shift suddenly, and I experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety. I’m constantly afraid that the people I love will leave me. So, I tend to lash out when I feel insecure and paranoid in my relationships so they don’t abandon me. I also question their motives and if they really like me, because I can’t believe that someone sees me more than a mistake. I often feel unwanted and unworthy. This has caused me to have unstable relationships and be labeled as difficult to love.
My sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes I feel okay about myself and even start to like who I am becoming, while other times I disgust myself and I can’t even stand to look in the mirror. I start seeing myself as worthless, a burden, who is unlovable. That’s when I grab my razor blade or take pills because my emotions are so extreme that I can’t breathe.
I have a hard time remembering things. I can’t remember 90 percent of my childhood, and the stuff I do remember it doesn’t even feel real anymore. Sometimes I forget weeks and weeks in my life. I can have the same conversation over and over again without remembering because I dissociate so much to cope with my pain.
80 percent of individuals who suffer from bpd have self- harmed and attempted suicide, 10 percent of those diagnosed with bpd commit suicide. “People who have BPD are more likely to commit suicide than individuals with any other psychiatric disorders. Around 10 percent of people with BPD complete suicide, which is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population” (https://www.verywellmind.com/suicidality-in-borderline-personality-disorder-425485). Therapist hate treating bpd because there is no easy cure. It’s a lifetime process and it’s one of the most difficult disorders to treat.
I hate admitting that I suffer from Borderline Personality disorder, but it’s a huge part of my life. It affects me almost daily and sometimes feels like it controls me. Bpd follows has caused me to suffer from other mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, and ptsd.
I often wonder if I will find someone who can love me. I also question if I will ever be able to have stable relationships or emotions. I don’t want to feel these things anymore and I am learning how to cope in healthy ways.
Sometimes my disorder takes over, but I will always find my way back. Each and every day I have the opportunity to conquer my triggers and my disorder. I may fail or have setbacks, but I am still living and so far I am not part of the statistics. Sometimes my bpd feels like a death sentence that ruins my life. But it’s not, it’s a journey. I get to experience every high and very low and watch how my life unfolds.
I am still me!!!
I still get excited about seeing a bunny or watching the trees change colors. I still love hard, passionate, and will fight for what I believe in. I moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone, I work two jobs, graduated from college with a bachelors degree (and am looking into getting my masters), and traveled to 13 countries. I have made it this long and accomplished my goals and dreams. And I will continue fighting for the life I want and deserve!
The reason I wrote this blog post was so people can understand what it’s like living with bpd. People get to see the parts that are visible, but they don’t know what really goes on in your heart and head when you are experiencing an episode. They don’t know how bad it can be for the person actually living with the disorder. So, I want people to see through my eyes and feel and experience the words I am writing.