When I was almost down and out – a mental breakdown – I was trying to recover from whatever has happened earlier.
I never show on my face whatever is going in my head but I made sure that I never skip my office, always meet my targets and put a smile on my face with whom so ever I meet.
It’s just that I got hooked to smoking cigarettes. Somewhere or the other whenever the past haunts me – I lite a cigarette and it calms me down in a different way. I don’t know if nicotine works in that way or what but yes it worked for me. I used to have 6-7 cigarettes a day which increased to a packet on a daily basis and sometimes getting high on weed was also coming into my routine.
And then I met you. You are just awesome. You might not be pretty for this world but you are beautiful. You are just beautiful… Those shiny fat cheeks – when you put a smile on it. It just makes my day.
My cigarette addiction started to decrease. Now I was only taking 1-2 cigarettes a day. Maybe you were the reason behind the decrease but I need to stop it totally.
You came to my team as a colleague in my office but you had so many things to share with me. I don’t know how but you were able to see that I was struggling somewhere. Maybe that’s why I was also attracted to you.
I had no plans to fall in love once again after the miserable love life in my past. But when you spoke out that you love me – I was definitely happy but I had a fear. I fear that what if – I get bored this time as well – the same way it happened with me in the last relationship. I don’t know what is the meaning of ‘cheating’ but if I was unable to keep a promise of a girl – will I be called a cheater?
I don’t know. But yes I can say that I was true to my ex. I never lied to her about anything however I could not stay with her forever. I had made a promise to my ex last year that I will be with her life long but I broke that promise and the relationship as well. So if you want to judge me – you can. I was not happy being in that relation and took a step aside. It’s that simple for me.
It took me around 7 months to recover from my past relationship and the blunder which I made. I might never be able to recover that guilt of hurting her. She also misses me a day on day and months on months but I can’t go back to her. And while I was thinking about all this I took out the box again and had one more cigarette to kill her thoughts. Smoke can also wipe the tear away. Thank you cigarette.
Now when I can see the same love in my eyes after a year – I fear. I fear the same things which have already happened to me before. But keeping myself down and out is not an option for me. I need to stand up mentally as well and get myself sorted.
When I shared all these with you and got a reply from you that you will manage everything because you love me. And that’s enough for you. It made my day. Maybe that’s what I was looking for.
Maybe more than a lover I was looking for a friend. Someone who can take care of me and never let me go. Maybe you are the one with whom I can finally get my parents to meet.
I will stand up for you everywhere possible and I will be the one to cherish and nourish you always.
When I was going out for a break with you today, I wanted to hold your hand and show it to the world how much love I have for you. But I have yet not spoken out to you. Even you have also yet not opened up so much. Because we need to know each other first. Till now the eyes are talking more than the words and I’m loving that as well…
When I was going to the 5th floor with you in the lift, just two of us – I wanted to hug you. I wanted you to feel me. I wanted to thank you for coming into my life and getting me back on track. I don’t know yet what role I’m playing in yours but you are a life savior for me. Maybe a future soulmate but let’s not fast forward there. Slowly and steadily everything will fall on its place and we gonna love the future us.